Hey all…. So I’ve been really quiet the last week or two… I feel like it’s time to open up and share some of what has been going on in my life and why I’ve been so ‘dead’.
So I guess lets kinda get the big stuff out of the way. I have realized that I am having an existential crisis, or as some people like to call it, a quarter life crisis. So what does that mean? Well in really simple terms, I’m trying to find my purpose. Trying to find where I fit and what I need to do in life. Now before you get all crazy thinking in depressed or sad or something like that, I promise, I’m not. In fact i’m actually really happy! I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time. So then… Why am I here?
Well I guess I should start from the beginning. As most of you know I am currently at film school. Film and production is my passion. I love doing it and I couldn’t imagine doing anything else with my life. I spent over 2 years trying to get here. Fundraising and working and any means of getting money to get here. Now, I’m not to worried about the money issue to be frank, and honestly, I’m pretty far paid up, so that’s not a concern at the moment and therefore its not aiding in this feeling or feelings I’m having.
Well, when I first got here I was super excited! I thought I was going to learn some of the best skills I could imagine! The skills that would carry me far, that would help me land a job doing what I love! After being here for just a short 2 weeks, I realized, there wasn’t much I was learning. But I kept pressing on because I wanted to get as much out of the experience as I could. Now let’s fast forward a little to christmas time. I went home to get my christmas vacation and get some rest time, or lack there of (I spent a lot of time working, which I didn’t mind). While I was there, someone proposed a business deal to me, they wanted to start a film company back home. They would fund the whole thing and I would basically run all the production work that needed to be done. That got me thinking…. What skills do I need in order to make something like that a success?
Upon returning to school in January with a new year and some goals and ideas in my head, I began trying to figure that out. Well over the last few months it’s become really apparent to me that I don’t really have much I can learn else that would help me in that area. Now, i’m not going to complain or talk bad about anything, just being real. Over the last three months I’ve realized that there isn’t much more that I can learn here. I even found it funny that at this moment they have me learning motion graphics (which wasn’t what I came here to learn, but I happily jumped on that train because it’s something slightly new), but I don’t know how much more I can learn in that area. It also doesn’t help that the way I learn almost requires me to have a project for a client that has me implement that. If I don’t have that, I won’t remember what i’ve learned.
Well over the last three months, I’ve been force fed tutorials on things that I could frankly do already and I haven’t really learned anything from them even if I didn’t know the exact method for doing what they were doing.
So moving on to about 3 weeks ago, they had us submit evaluations of ourselves and where we think we are towards graduating. To no surprise, I haven’t hit graduating level yet in graphics, but I’m actually pretty close. I think there were only about 3 key points I needed to hit in order to graduate. Then they had us fill out a secondary, which for me was editing. After filling out that paper, I realized that without having done any editing here, I have more than it takes to graduate with editing here, which is the main reason I came here to begin with, was to edit. It was at that point I realized that I didn’t know what my purpose was.
So over a period of about two weeks I kinda started questioning my life. What are my life goals, what’s next after school? Where do I go after i’m done here? While those aren’t all the questions, I think you get the idea. I began wondering what my purpose was. Now let me repeat this, I’m not depressed or anything, but I am feeling lost. I’m just going around aimlessly with no sense of purpose in my life. I just kinda exist. I’m honestly bored with a lot of things. School is boring, now granted, we haven’t had a ton projects to keep me entertained so I guess that would be playing a part in it as well. I’m bored outside of school. Because of how bored I am, I have started getting personal clients with work that pays… its a win win. I get money and I’m not bored right? Well…. Wrong. I’m still bored. The money is a plus, and while it’s not much, it’s just a nice extra to have some cash in hand.
So what does this mean as far as the stream goes? Well, not much to be honest. I will admit, I’m trying to find purpose in that, but I’m, again, bored. I do the same thing over and over. I don’t want to do that. And while I have had so many of you come up to me and tell me that you love being here and that no matter what content I put out you’ll still watch because you care about me and what I do, frankly, you guys deserve better than just me sitting in front of a camera and not really keeping it fresh for you.
Ok. So that’s the heavy stuff. Lets kinda go through a short list of what is changing.
- I’m not quitting streaming and, frankly, I don’t see that happening for a while. I still love doing it and I love being able to hang out with awesome people like you guys all the time!
- I want to do new things with the stream and the channel in general. I have some ideas but I’m trying to figure out how to flesh them out. Just be patient with me while I do that.
- I’m not depressed. I’m actually really happy! Just lost is all.
Will anything happen to the stream?
No. It may be a bit less frequent, kinda like it is now, but I’m not going anywhere. But for now, I will probably only be streaming when I have the energy to do so. Because right now, I don’t really have a ton of motivation to do things. I haven’t even played more than 1 game of overwatch in the last week… and that’s been all the gaming I’ve done. Now I’m not going to be going away for a month or two months or even a week. My goal is to try and get a few streams out per week, just not as hard core of a schedule as I was doing before. I just don’t have the energy to keep up with 5-7 days a week. That’s pretty draining to be honest. Also during streams, I will be streaming what I want to stream. I won’t be taking game requests or anything for a little while. I need to do things that I enjoy or I won’t have fun, and if it’s not fun for me, I know it’s not fun for you guys.
I will probably be trying to keep things pretty low key and chill while I’m in the phase as well. If i’m not as energetic as you’re used to, don’t worry, it’s not because I’m sad or anything, just being chill and hanging out. As far as voice chat goes, I haven’t decided how that’s going to go. For now, I will be keeping it restricted to people that I’m playing with and with people who are going to help keep the mood positive during the streams.
Which, quick side note on that, you may have noticed a few changes in the discord server, there is a new roll, Hosts. Those are people that, once I have gotten through this phase, will be able to play games and help be a part of what it is that I’m hoping to build in the coming months here. But for now, I’ll keep that hush hush.
If I am not in any visible voice channels in the discord, it means that I won’t be using voice chat that stream unless I choose certain people. Please don’t take offense to that, it’s not personal, It’s just me making sure I’ll have fun while you guys get to as well!
Ok…. So I think that’s most things for now. I don’t really have much else to say. I will end with this. You guys are amazing. I don’t know if you guys get to see this all the time, but I love all of you dearly. You guys have been with me through so much and It’s been a true blessing and an honor to watch a lot of you mature and grow older and start new phases in life. To me, that’s what this is about. Not so much just playing games, but making friends and becoming close to all of you. And we may not be big and we may never be big, but I am so thankful for where we are today. It’s the craziest thing I have ever seen in my life and Its just awesome.
Ok, enough of me talking on and on. It’s been a long read, I’m aware, just know it’s all good. I’m good, the stream is good, I’m just trying to find my place in all of this craziness.
As always, if you guys wanna chat or have questions, feel free to let me know! I’m always open to talking with you guys about things.
Love you guys a ton!